Editor’s note: The following is self-evidently satire, but …
Following President Donald Trump’s hissy-fit after his failed attempt to purchase Greenland from Denmark, he has now trained his sights on real estate he covets that is closer to home. In so doing, it appears that he took seriously the suggestions of some commentators who, with their tongues firmly in their cheeks, ribbed him that Canada would be a more ideal target.
Trump tweeted yesterday, “I love Canada and Canadians love me and I am very popular up there. I get beautiful letters all the time from Canadians telling me what a wonderful job I am doing. Trudeau is not very popular you know. He’s ruined their economy unlike me who has made the American economy the greatest in the whole history of the world.”
Speaking to reporters at a press conference in the Rose Garden later that day, Trump gave more details of his plan. When pressed on whether his target was the whole of Canada, he replied by saying, “Uh, no. I only want the province of Toronto.” He explained his reason was because it is so American-like. He justified this, saying, “It has American sports teams like the Rappers and the Bluebirds. I really like that big tower and I have huge plans for that.”
A reporter reminded him that he had only visited Canada once during his presidency and that was for a G7 conference at which he arrived late and left early badmouthing Prime Minister Trudeau on his way out the door. “Fake news,” was his response. “If the deal goes through I can see I’m going to have to do something about the Canadian media as well.” He was asked as well if he also had his eye on the adjacent city of Mississauga where Toronto’s international airport is located. Looking puzzled, Trump turned to an aide who whispered in his ear. Trump then replied, “Anything I can’t pronounce is off the table.”
Trump concluded by saying, “I have been buying and selling real estate all my life and this is no different. I might throw in Puerto Rico in part exchange and that will be a sweetheart of a deal.”